Can narcissistic abuse cause borderline personality disorder

Introduction

Narcissistic abuse recovery also called covert emotional incest and parental alienation, is a form of therapy that seeks to address not only the presenting symptoms of survivors but also the underlying cause: an abusive relationship with a narcissist or other personality-disordered individual. The way it works is that the therapist guides the client to vaguely recall abusive experiences that have taken place in his or her life (usually referred to as incidents). The client states what they believe happened, and the therapist uses this as a starting point for an explanation of what is actually happening in that specific situation (as opposed to their mostly unconscious but strong assumptions).

The idea of narcissistic abuse recovery was first introduced into mainstream literature by author Dr. Karyl McBride, who discovered it after years of research and trial and error treatment methods on herself while practicing conventional psychotherapeutic approaches. Therapy is based on the principle that, for the victim, the abuse is not something that has happened in her life in the past. Rather, it is something that is happening right now and will continue to happen as long as she maintains her relationship with an individual with an abusive personality disorder, such as a narcissist or sociopath. This makes recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse fundamentally different from other forms of traditional psychotherapy. When asked about what she thought was preventing survivors from fully moving past their experience of being abused, Dr. McBride described these thoughts as "stuck in the victim position.

Narcissistic abuse recovery also differs from other forms of therapy in several ways. Since traditional therapies do not address the cause or underlying dynamics behind a patient’s symptoms, the reality of what is happening is not fully realized by either the therapist or the patient. This means that patients are often left feeling confused or, even worse, hopeless about their situation. Narcissistic abuse recovery addresses this issue in its practice by allowing them to look back and understand what it was that made them become wounded/traumatized in the first place.

Another problem that arises from traditional forms of therapy is that their theoretical frameworks usually do not account for the case of the patient with regards to their unique situation. Each individual has different ways of being wounded (or traumatized) by their experience and therefore, there is no one size fits all approach to healing. Unfortunately, this can result in a lot of wasted time and money on ineffective treatment methods, and even worse, patients who are told they will never recover from traumatic events in the first place.

Narcissistic abuse recovery is not the same as traditional psychotherapy. While it uses talking cure to discuss the issues of trauma and its effects on the patient, it also leads patients to eventually address the emotional bond they have with their abuser. The idea behind this is that so long as they are in contact with their abuser, either physically or emotionally, they are never truly free and cannot begin to heal from their trauma. It is also different in that it uses a very specific type of language that, when used correctly by both therapist and patient, can lead to healing. It is called language of differentiation, which means using language that separates the abuser from what happened in the situations.

Chapter 1.  The Different Types of Narcissism

Narcissists have endless ways they abuse others. They use abuse to get people in line and ensure that they get their way. Though the toxic narcissist, in particular, prefers to abuse people for sport, most of the time, narcissistic abuse is opportunistic. The narcissist is using it as a tool or a weapon against his victim. He does not care what the result is, but he does not necessarily do it to be mean-spirited intentionally or just to hurt someone; the harm is collateral damage in manipulating the other person into doing what he wants. His end goal is typically getting whatever he desires, not hurting people. Most narcissists are far too interested in their feelings to worry about hurting other people just to hurt them, and narcissists are typically much more preoccupied with themselves anyway. Nevertheless, all of these manipulation techniques can inflict serious physical or emotional harm if used against other people. This list is by no means comprehensive, but these are some of the most commonly used abuse tactics.

Physical

WHEN THEY CANNOT GET their way through manipulation, Narcissists do not shy away from physical abuse. Sometimes, the narcissist simply can no longer control his anger, particularly the toxic or closet narcissists, and he lashes out physically in an attempt to physically force you into submission. He may take away your phone to prevent you from calling for help or break things to scare you, or he may even physically harm you.

The narcissist does not feel bad about hurting other people, and even if you are in a relationship with him, he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. The narcissist only cares about getting his results, and if hitting you is the only thing that will work at the moment, then the narcissist will do it.

Hitting you, throwing stuff at you, destroying your things, pulling your hair, sexually exploiting you, etc., all come under this category.

Sexual

THIS TYPE OF COVERT aggression involves flattering you just to get what the narcissist wants. He may tell you that you look beautiful five minutes before demanding you do something tedious for him. The flattering or seduction is not genuine and is strictly used to warm you up, so you are more willing to do whatever the narcissist wants.

While this may not seem outward or even inwardly aggressive, the aggressive nature of this lies in the fact that the narcissist is toying with your emotions, using them to get whatever it is that he wants from you. He is essentially using you, your emotions, and your ego as a tool to get what he wants. He has treated you as little more than a means to an end, which is dehumanizing and cruel.

Verbal/Emotional

VERBAL ABUSE INTENDS to break down the target into submission. It is frequently used to make the other person feel insecure enough simply because they do not feel as though they are worthy of anything else. Verbal abuse has many different forms that it can take, and all of them are particularly harmful and serves to make the victim wonder if they are to blame or if they are overreacting in general.

Verbal abuse almost always takes place in private since no one else is around to hear or witness it, allowing for the narcissist to deny its existence if necessary. This also creates an isolation effect with the victim, as the victim feels as though he or she cannot reach out to others because there is no proof of what was said. Verbal abuse may not often happen at first, but it eventually escalates to the point that it is a typical communication method, particularly in private.

The victims of verbal abuse frequently rationalize the abuse as being an acceptable form of communication. However, it is still difficult for the victims to deal with it at the moment. They may not recognize that it is essentially another form of exerting control over the victim's situation.

There are several different types of verbal abuse, some of which are easier than others to identify. Here are several abuse patterns as well as an example of what they may look like at the moment:

Name-calling: Wow, you're such an idiot! You never learn, do you?

Manipulation: If you loved me, you would do this for me, even if you don't want to.

Demeaning comments: Wow, you're such a typical girl—you can't even remember to get your oil changed in your car. No wonder it broke down again.

Condescending: Hah, no wonder you always complain about struggling with your schoolwork—you can't even figure out how to double a recipe!

Unconstructive, cruel criticism: Can't you do anything right? You're always able to bring down the mood with one stupid mistake, aren't you?

Threats: You won't like what happens if you do that. Or I will kill myself if you ever try to leave.

Blame: It's your fault; we never have any money for anything fun. Or Look at what you made me do! I would never have done it if you had just listened.

Silent treatment: Your partner intentionally avoids talking to you to make you miserable.

Not all verbal abuse can be tagged as narcissistic. You must look at the context, frequency, and spite (hatred/vengeance) in the behavior since people often criticize, interrupt, blame, be sarcastic, oppose, block or blame you depending on what the situation may be. You must assess the frequency of this behavior. Bullying, name-calling, shaming, belittling, demanding, blaming, threatening, criticizing, getting violent, accusing, undermining, and orders are all verbal abuse.

Mental/Psychological

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL is common in most relationships these days. People have learned the art of using sensitive statements or emotions to make their partner think that their partner was wrong. Emotional blackmail is another form of manipulation and may include punishment, anger, threats, intimidation, or warning.

Gaslighting involves the act of convincing someone else that their understanding of reality is skewed or inaccurate in some way. The narcissist is a master at gaslighting, and it is one of his most frequently wielded manipulative weapons. The narcissist will seek to make you doubt yourself, slowly at first, until you are so certain that you cannot be trusted that the narcissist can take control of everything. Because you may doubt yourself so much that you no longer trust yourself to make important decisions, you will rely more on your partner. This also makes you far more likely to stay in the relationship, as you will not trust that what you think happened actually did. You will listen when the narcissist downplays it or tells you that it was not what you think it was.

Typically, this starts slowly, with the narcissist making your belief seem like a harmless mistake. For example, you may tell him that your car keys are on the key holder, and he will correct you a few minutes later, saying they were actually on the counter, even if they were, in fact, on the key holder. It escalates slowly from there until, eventually, the victim believes anything the narcissist says.

Each incident of gaslighting will follow a specific pattern: Something happens. The narcissist either has a distorted view of what has happened, such as him being the victim in an argument that he started, or he creates a distorted view that will fit his narrative, even if he knows it is false. The narcissist then convinces the victim of his distorted truth. The victim then believes the narcissist.

Narcissists may try one of the following methods to gaslight you into submission:

Withholding: The narcissist refuses to hear your side of things or pretends that your side of the story does not make sense.

Countering: The narcissist directly counters or questions the victim's perception of what has happened, questioning if it is accurate.

Diverting: The narcissist changes the subject and accuses the victim of misremembering.

Trivializing: The narcissist makes the victim feel as though what the victim is saying or feeling is unimportant or delegitimizes them.

Denying: The narcissist feigns having forgotten what has happened or denies anything that the victim says, saying it is falsified or made up on purpose.

Financial/Economic

THE FINANCIAL ABUSER who does not endorse a plan that best suits everyone in the family would leave those who are financially vulnerable. On the other hand, a person who loves his family is a protector, one who will make every effort to meet the needs of all family members-even before himself. This is what love for spouses and parents looks like.

Cultural/Identity

THE NARCISSIST, MASTER of manipulation, frequently casts out bait to get his way. He will lull you into complacency, making you feel your relationship is stable and comfortable, only to bait you into inciting an argument. Oftentimes, the bait involves something you are sensitive about. The narcissist may know that you are sensitive about being cheated on in the past, for example, so the next time you are out, he may look at another person, intentionally appearing obviously interested in the other person. He may even go and flirt with the other person in an attempt to make you feel jealous.

When you inevitably call him out, he will deny having ever done anything like what you insist on. He will say that he had no interest in the other person and turn it into an argument about his insecurities. He has essentially tricked you into an argument. When anyone asks, he will tell the world that you constantly accuse him of cheating when he has no interest in being anything other than a perfect partner.

This has allowed the narcissist to create a victim narrative after baiting you into acting irrationally, and he will use that cast bait any time he can. He wants to make you feel as though you are the irrational, abusive one.

Chapter 2.  What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Stephen Johnson, a psychologist, believes that a narcissist is a person who has buried their true self-expression due to early life injuries and exchanged it with a highly developed false self.

Narcissism is often viewed in pop-culture as a person who is in love with themselves, but it’s more accurate to say that a pathological narcissist is in love with an idealized version of themselves, which is projected on others to avoid feeling their real self.

Are You in a Relationship with a Narcissist?

BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP with a narcissist is hard. What’s more, it’s hard to discover that you are even in a relationship with a narcissist. The narcissist works hard to make sure their victim is none the wiser. The following are telltale signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist. These signs are true for any type of relationship, not just a romantic one. While many of us are likely guilty of some of these behaviors at some point in our life, a pathological narcissist dwells habitually within many of these different traits while remaining unaware or unconcerned with how they are affecting others.

1. Conversation Hoarder: Narcissists love to talk about themselves, and they won’t give you a chance to have a two-way conversation. You struggle to get them to listen to your feelings and views. When you do manage to say something, they will ignore, dismiss or correct your comment if it disagrees with them. Some of my dad’s favorite things to respond with were there’s more than that..., but..., and actually...

2. Conversation Interrupter: While many people have bad communication habits like interrupting people, the narcissist will interrupt and turn the focus of the conversation to them.

3. Rule Breaker: Narcissists like to get away with things that go against the social norms and rules, like cutting, under-tipping, taking things from work, not following traffic laws, and breaking appointments.

4. Boundary Violator: They show a disregard for other’s physical space, possessions, feelings, and thoughts. They will overstep their bounds and use others without thinking about them. They borrow things without returning them. They break obligations and promises.

5. False Image Projection: Narcissists do things to impress others, so they do things to make them look good on the outside. This sort of trophy complex can show up in cultural, academic, professional, material, financial, religious, social, sexual, romantic, and physical settings. These are like merit badges for the narcissist.

6. Entitlement: They expect to get preferential treatment from everybody. They want to instantly be catered to without providing anything in return.

7. Charmer: They are very persuasive and charismatic. When they are interested in somebody, they will do things to make that person feel wanted and special. When they lose interest, they can drop a person without a second thought. They are very social creatures.

8. Grandiose Personality: They view their self as a hero or a princess. They have a high amount of self-importance, believing that other people can’t survive without them.

9. Negative Emotions: They love to arouse negative emotions in others because it makes them feel powerful. Any perceived slight to their authority will upset them. They like to throw tantrums if they feel you aren’t doing what they want or if you disagree with them. They hate criticism, but they are also quick to blame, ridicule, criticize, and judge others.

10.  Manipulation: They make other people’s decisions. They use their victims as a way to make sure their needs are met. They also love to guilt-trip others into doing things. They love to say things like, I’ve helped you so much, but you’re ungrateful.

It’s hard to believe when you discover you have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Luckily, there are plenty of ways to help you get out of the relationship and heal, many of which we will talk about.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse

PICTURE THIS: YOUR whole reality has become distorted and warped. You have suffered through gaslighting, have been demeaned, ridiculed, lied to, manipulated, and violated into believing that you’re seeing things wrong. The person you believed you understood and the life that you have created together has been destroyed.

You no longer have a sense of self. You were worshiped, devalued, then kicked off of your pedestal that they put you on. You may have been discarded and replaced several times, just to be sucked back into the cycle, which has become more torturous. You may have been relentlessly bullied, harassed, and stalked to stay.

This isn’t a normal relationship or breakup. This was all a setup and silently worked to kill your psyche. While you may not have visible scars, you have a bunch of broken pieces, internal scars, and fractured memories.

This is narcissistic abuse.

Malignant narcissists who are psychologically violent can include triangulation, smear campaigns, sabotage, stonewalling, toxic projection, emotional and verbal abuse, as well as a bunch of other control and coercion tactics. This is all performed by a person who doesn’t feel empathy, feels they are entitled, and exploits others to meet their needs.

This abuse can cause a victim to suffer from symptoms of complex PTSD or PTSD, especially if they suffered at the hands of narcissistic parents. PTSD and C-PTSD differ only in the fact that the cause of C-PTSD is reoccurring, such as childhood abuse, whereas PTSD is typically a single traumatic event.

The effect of this abuse can cause overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, emotional flashback, a sense of toxic shame, hypervigilance, anxiety, and depression.

When you are still living within the cycle of abuse, it can be hard to notice exactly what is going on because the abuser is great at twisting your reality around to suit theirs. We are going to go over several symptoms that you could experience when you have suffered from narcissistic abuse.

1. You Start to Feel Dissociated in Order to Help You Survive

You may notice that you feel physically and emotionally detached from your surroundings, experience memory problems, disruptions of perceptions, sense of self, and consciousness. Dissociation can cause emotional numbing when faced with horrific circumstances. Repression, addictions, obsessions, and activities that numb the mind can become the norm because they provide you with a means of escape. Your brain works to find ways to block emotions so that you don’t have to face the pain of the situation.

2. You Find Yourself Walking on Eggshells

One of the most common symptoms of trauma is trying to avoid anything that could relive the trauma. This could be activities, places, or people that pose a threat. You find that you are hyper-aware of the things that you say or do around your abuser to make sure that you don’t face their abuse or become the object of envy or punishment.

However, you soon realize that this isn’t going to work, and you still end up getting attacked by the abuser, and whenever they want, you become their emotional test dummy. You feel more anxious about provoking them, and this causes you to avoid setting boundaries and confrontation. You might even start people-pleasing.

3. You Push Aside Your Desires and Needs, Sacrificing Yourself and Possibly Your Bodily Safety in Order to Make Your Abuser Happy

At one point in your life, you were likely dream-oriented, driven by goals, and full of life. Now all you feel is that you live only to obtain the needs of others. At one point, the narcissist seemed to care about you, but now your life is caring for them.

You could also have pushed all your friendships, hobbies, and goals back to make sure that you can satisfy your abuser. Eventually, you realize that they won’t ever be satisfied no matter what happens.

4. You Find it Hard to Trust Others

You now see everyone as a perceived threat and find yourself more anxious about having to interact with others, especially after experiencing the wrongdoings of a person you used to trust. Regular caution has turned into hypervigilance. Since your abuser has gaslighted you to the point of believing that what you have experienced is invalid, you find it very hard to trust anybody, and this includes yourself.

5. You Have Thoughts About Suicide or Harming Yourself

With the anxiety and depression, you now suffer from comes an increased feeling of hopelessness. You find life unbearable like there is no way to get out, even if that’s what you wanted. You’ve developed a sense of helplessness that causes you to feel like you don’t want to live another day. You could even self-harm to help you cope. (If you are struggling with these kinds of thoughts, please refer to the Helpful Resources pages for information on the Suicide Hotline.)

6. You Isolate Yourself

Many abusers will try to isolate their victims from family and friends, but victims of narcissistic abuse will often isolate themselves because the abuse makes them feel shameful. Given the misconceptions and victim-blaming about the psychological and emotional violence in society, the abused will often become retraumatized by friends, family members, police and law enforcement, and the narcissist's harem members who work to invalidate their views of this abuse.

Victims are afraid that nobody will believe or understand what they are going through, so instead of trying to get help, they choose to hide away from others so that they aren’t retaliated against and judged by their abuser. Victim-shaming is an unfortunate part of society, which is all the sadder for people who need to get out of scary situations.

7. You Are Self-Destructive and Self-Sabotaging

Victims will often get lost in their minds, thinking about what has happened to them and hearing the abuser constantly in their minds. This only increases their negative self-talk and the odds that they will self-sabotage. Narcissists work by conditioning their victims to destroy themselves. This can even go so far as suicide.

Because of their over and cover put-downs, hypercriticism, and verbal abuse, victims will often end up punishing themselves because they are full of toxic shame. Victims will often sabotage their own goals, academic pursuits, and dreams. Their abuser has taught them that they are worthless, and they start to believe that the good things shouldn’t come to them.

8. You Are Afraid of Reaching Success and Doing Things That Bring You Joy

Since the majority of pathological predators envy their victims, they inflict some form of punishment when they are successful. This makes their victims associate talents, interests, joys, and success with abuse. This makes their victims fear success unless they want to be punished. Because of this, the victim will end up becoming anxious and depressed, lack confidence, and will probably hide away from being recognized for their talents and let their abusers steal the show. It’s important to know that your abuser isn’t undercutting your gifts; they really do believe that you are inferior. This is due to those gifts threatening their control.

9. You Find Yourself Protecting the Abuser and Gaslighting Yourself

Denying, minimizing, and rationalizing the abuse are survival tactics for victims. To try and reduce some of the symptoms that can occur when a person who you thought loved you hurts you, victims will try to talk themselves into believing that the abuser isn’t all that bad or they were the cause of the problem and did something to provoke them.

This problem can be reduced by studying about narcissistic personalities. This will give you the chance to reconcile with what your reality really is with the false self of the narcissist. You will be able to recognize the abuse and not the nice façade.

Chapter 3.  The Mindset of The Narcissist

Some people will say that I'm the only one who can fix me and that my family is not allowed to help.

Others might say that I am being too hard on myself or, in other words, taking responsibility for something that hasn't happened yet. What if they are right? What if there really isn't anything wrong?

Nonetheless, as much as I wish this wasn't so- for all the peace of mind and self-fulfillment it would bring me -I have this gnawing feeling in my gut that tells me otherwise. And when this feeling persists, it gets harder and harder to ignore its truth.

I understand that life is different for everyone and some people really need help to get along. Love is a healing balm, but it isn't meant to be selective and exclusive. 'Self-love' can be dangerous when we think our problems are more important than other people's. Some people need more help in this regard, but there still comes a point where the abuser can no longer help you in any way, shape, or form. The elusiveness of narcissists (the ability to hide their true nature so that you feel more dependent on them), and the fact that they cannot be made to change their behavior (because they don't want to change or because they are too powerful and cannot be challenged) may seem like a winning combination, but it is extremely damaging.

The longer the abuse lasts, the harder it is to regain self-esteem. In fact, there are some people who never fully recover. These are the ones who have been abused for too long.

The abuser's strategy is to make you feel worthless in all aspects of your life, apart from being an instrument of gratification. This is not an easy task and requires a lot of time, patience, and effort. It's also why I get so tired of people saying that I must be exaggerating or that my perception is all in my head. It's not something that can be done overnight and you don't have to wait for it either. It's also why I sometimes suffer from depression.

Every time you try to make it work, you find yourself failing again and that makes you doubt yourself even more. Abusers know how to hurt you enough to keep you coming back, but not enough to make you think they are a lost cause. That's why many people who have been abused at some point in their lives can no longer trust themselves. It's not healthy, of course, but the abuser has kept their promises so far and it's starting to get out of hand.

The abuser might even get you to rely on medication so much that you constantly wonder who you would be without it. It gives him/her full control over your life, making you more dependent on him/her.

What I find difficult to understand is why most people have such a strong need to trust their friends and loved ones. Isn't it enough that they are there for us during the good times? Do we really need them also during the bad times? Well, perhaps, but not necessarily if they are narcissists -the

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